Friday, May 11, 2012

Anarchists vs Libertarians

The difference between Anarchists and Libertarians?

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

LBN-COMMENTARY By JOHN STOSSEL: When my wife was a liberal, she complained that libertarian reasoning is coldhearted. Since markets produce winners and losers — and many losers did nothing wrong — market competition is cruel. It must seem so. President Obama used the word “fair” in his last State of the Union address nine times. We are imprinted to prefer a world that is “fair.” Our close relatives the chimpanzees freak out when one chimp gets more than his fair share, so zookeepers are careful about food portions. Chimps are hardwired to get angry when they think they’ve been cheated — and so are we.


A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is Jesus.

The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so. The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and to put it on his tab. The waiter does so. The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab.

When Jesus is finished eating, He goes over to the Republican and says, "I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind." and He touches the man's eye, and it is healed.

Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, "I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm." and He touches the man's arm, and it is healed.

Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves far away from Jesus and exclaims, "Don't touch me!! I'm on 100% disability!!"

 Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

You can lead a reporter to a story, but you can't make him think.

 "Why is television (or the print media) called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done."

What is black and white and red all over?  -your daily newspaper.

Q: What is the definition of an politician?
    A: Someone who claims to solve a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: What is the definition of an journalist?
    A: Someone who writes about a politician solving a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become a journalist?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as a politician.

What do you call a handcuffed politician?  Trustworthy.

The usual follow up to "Journalists are the ones who come in after the battle and bayonet the wounded" is:  Politicians are the ones who follow the journalists and strip the bodies.

A libertarian said in conversation: "Three of my legislators have died successively while in office."
"Really, that's unusual. how did the first one die?" his friend said.
He ate poisonous mushrooms.
And how did the second one die?
He ate poisonous mushrooms.
And the third?
He died from a bashed in skull.
How did that happen?
He wouldn’t eat the poisonous mushrooms.

    A totalitarian socialist invades the country and goes up to the first people he sees (a politician and a journalist) and says "I'm a totalitarian socialist and I just invaded to destroy your economy. What do you think about that?"
    The journalist replies "I don't think, I just write what the politician thinks."
    The journalist and the other totalitarian both look at the politician for a response. The politician glances about furtively and says "What would you like me to think about that?"

What's the definition of a politician? It's a guy who will legislate the ways everyone can make love but he doesn't know any girls.

    A journalist sees a politician riding up on a new bicycle. So he stops the politician and asks where he bought the bike. The politician says "The funniest thing happened. A beautiful woman was pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!"

Followup punchline to above: And the journalist says to the politician, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway!!"
Three politicians walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!"  This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the politicians what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!"
"And that's a big deal?" asked the barkeep.
"You bet," said the same politician, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"

A surgeon, an accountant and a politician were arguing about which of them was
practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said "God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession." The Accountant protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before He was a surgeon. Accounting, then, has to be the oldest profession." The politician sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. "That may be true," the politician said shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"

    A newly elected politician spends a week at his new office with the politician he is replacing.  On the last day the departing politician tells him that he has left two envelopes in
the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis that might cost him the next election, and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, - the usual stuff - and the politician feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook.
    Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message
inside says "Write two envelopes".

    What do you call a journalist with half a brain? gifted.

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